Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
