I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
