Umm I'm too high to move.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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