Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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