Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
