was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
