took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
