Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
