I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
