I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
