How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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