It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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