we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
