so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
