Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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