Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
im on a boat
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