I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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