i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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