I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
