Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
