All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
ok first of all what the fuck
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
