Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
