She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
we're so committed to being not committed
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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