True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
There's even glitter on my cock...
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