Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
