Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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