I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
