opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
