So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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