i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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