Plan B is the new Plan A
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
