not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
