the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
