I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
