how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
