I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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