ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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