plz talk dirty to me
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
