if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
