She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
