Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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