Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
