My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
