Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Houston, we have a blender
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
