Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Randomize
