Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
