Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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