My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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