it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
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