If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
