So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
